Revisiting The Past
by Marymel
Summary: Riley is shocked by someone familiar after a tragedy...and opens up about Jackson.


**Jackson and Greta are my original characters, but I don't own CSI.**

 **Happy Birthday Lauren Lee Smith!**

 **I've had this idea for I while. I really liked the interaction between Riley and the psychiatrist in the season nine episode Art Imitates Life, and I've always wondered...what might happen if they met again? Here's what I came up with. Hope you all enjoy...and pretty please review!**

Riley and her CSI colleagues sat around the break room, all feeling a somber weight in the air. A police officer who worked with them and whom Riley had become good friends with, was killed in the line of duty. Everyone felt the weight of losing a cop, even though they caught the suspect.

Stirring her coffee and looking at the hot liquid swirling in the cup, Riley sighed quietly. She thought about the last time she saw her friend and how happy he was to be retiring in a few months. It also brought back memories of her time in Las Vegas, when she joined following the death of a CSI.

Everyone's cell phones buzzed and they looked down in unison at their devices. "Shrink is here," Riley's colleague Melissa said. Riley breathed deeply - she knew it was protocol after the death of a colleague to talk to a counselor, but Riley hated to. Since both her parents were psychiatrists, she didn't do "the talk".

Riley heard footsteps and she looked up to see her friend, Detective Lauren Milner, and her boss, Peter Underwood, walk in. When she saw the counselor, Riley's eyes widened in surprise.

The counselor cleared her throat. "My name is Patricia Alwick. I'm a peer counselor with the Police Employees Assistance Program. I deal primarily with law enforcement, which means I know that none of you want to listen to me so I'll keep it short."

Riley stared as the woman talked. She briefly met the counselor back in Vegas, and never thought she'd see her again. Now, here she was in front of her.

After Patricia gave her speech, Riley just sat and stared at her as her colleagues filed out of the room. Patricia stayed and talked with Underwood, and she glanced up and saw Riley sitting there. "Hello," Patricia said politely.

"Uh...hi," Riley said, slowly coming out of her thoughts.

"This is Riley Adams," Underwood said. "You'll be seeing her in the next day or two." He glared at the headstrong CSI, knowing she hated seeing counselors.

Patricia nodded. "We've met."

Riley nodded slowly. "Uh...yeah. In Vegas. After..."

"Your first day," Patricia said. "I remember. Is it your first day here as well?"

Riley and Underwood chuckled. "No," Riley said. "I've been here, what nine years now?"

Underwood nodded. "Yeah, she moved here right after Vegas."

"Well, it's good to see you again," Patricia said. "I hope to talk to you while I'm here."

"Sure," Riley said, somewhat sarcastically.

Patricia smiled skeptically as the headstrong CSI left the room. Underwood groaned. "I'm sorry."

"It's all right," the counselor assured him. "Like I said, I know none of you want to listen to me." She sighed softly. "I thought I remembered her. I was in Vegas several years ago after the death of a CSI."

Underwood nodded. "Yes. She worked there for about a year or so. She went back there a few years ago...personal reasons."

"I see," Patricia said.

That afternoon, Underwood asked Riley if she'd been to see the counselor. Riley rolled her eyes and groaned. "I don't do the talk."

"You're going to," Underwood said matter-of-factly. Riley raised her eyes from the file she was reading and held her supervisor's gaze. Underwood glared at the CSI. "It's not a question of whether or not you feel like it. You're going."

Riley sighed, defeated. She hated talking to therapists.

Underwood held Riley's gaze. "Look...it will help you to talk about what happened. And she says she knew you in Vegas."

"Yeah," Riley snapped. "That was a long time ago."

"Well, I can see this is going nowhere," Underwood said. "So I'll try something else." He narrowed his gaze on the stubborn woman. "If you want to stay on this case and not be suspended for a week, you're going to talk to the counselor."

Riley stared at her boss and sighed in defeat. She hated taking time away from the case she was working on...and she really didn't want to talk to the counselor from Vegas. But she did want to keep her job and solve the case. She sighed quietly and stood. "Fine."

Five minutes later, Riley stood outside the conference room where PD set up Patricia's office. She really didn't want to talk to her, but she knew it was protocol. Taking a deep breath, she softly knocked on the door."

"It's open," Alwick called from inside.

 _It's now or never_ , Riley thought to herself. She opened the door and peered inside.

Patricia Alwick looked up and smiled softly. "Hello. Please." She gestured to the chair in front of her desk.

Riley hesitantly sat in the chair and sighed. She had never been so nervous in her life, even when she went to anger management counseling after shooting an undercover cop. She hated talking to counselors, but couldn't explain why she felt nervous and not angry.

Patricia smiled reassuringly at the CSI. "It's all right," she said. "I'm glad you came."

"That makes one of us," Riley mumbled.

Patricia simply sat behind her desk and took a pen and her note pad. "It helps to talk about what happened."

Riley couldn't help but roll her eyes. "Sure," she said.

Patricia Alwick took a deep breath. "Miss...Adams? I care about my patients and I take my job very seriously. I want to help you, even though you obviously hold either me, my job, or both in contempt."

Hearing the counselor reprimand her made Riley look up. "Look, I've done this before. Nothing changes what happened."

"Uh-huh," Patricia said with a nod. "You're speaking from experience."

Riley sighed. "Michaels is still dead."

Patricia narrowed her gaze. "I thought your colleague's name was Anderson."

Realizing her slip, Riley wringed her hands and sighed. "A few years ago...I killed an undercover officer. He was..." Riley suddenly found herself emotional. "He was undercover at a scene near a crime scene. He couldn't ID himself or he'd give the op away." Riley sighed and rested her chin on her hand.

Patricia wrote down some notes. "And that affected your relationship with the team?"

Riley rolled her eyes. "What do you think?" Patricia didn't blink, but held Riley's gaze. "Yes," Riley said with a softened tone.

Riley sighed deeply. "Anderson...when I came back after..." she thought back to bringing her son to live with his father in Vegas. "He was one of the first to tell me he didn't blame me for what happened."

Patricia scribbled some more notes down. "He was your friend."

"Yes," Riley said softly. "He..." she sighed heavily. "I went back to Vegas after that shooting."

Patricia remained stoic. "To run from what happened?"

"Not entirely," Riley said, just above a whisper. "I-I knew...I...did you ever meet Greg Sanders?"

"In Vegas? Yes. We had a good talk."

Riley nodded, thinking of her former colleague. "Yeah. He's a good listener too. He listened to me a few years ago when I needed to vent. I thought I was just a babysitter for a newbie colleague. Then..." Riley looked up as Patricia simply nodded, encouraging her to continue.

Riley sighed heavily. "We had a son."

Patricia said nothing, but smiled softly.

Riley looked down and stared at her bracelet. "I didn't tell him for the first couple of years. I tried to do everything myself, but I couldn't. I always told him his daddy loved him." Riley smiled sadly. "When I introduced them...I knew he'd be okay. Greg is an amazing dad."

"You gave him your son," Patricia said, more as a statement than a question.

"Mm-hmm," Riley said. "I gave him full custody. And I still talk to Greg every now and then." She sniffed back tears. "He said he doesn't hate me."

"Greg sounds like a good man," Patricia said with a soft smile.

Riley nodded. "He is. I still get pictures all the time. And Jackson...that's his name." Patricia smiled and nodded, encouraging her to continue. Riley sighed. "He's grown so much. He's got so many people who love him. His stepmom...she's always been more of a real mom to him than I ever was. She adores him. And Jackson has a baby sister now. From everything Greg's told me...and everything I've seen...he's amazing."

Patricia nodded and scribbled more notes on her pad.

Riley sniffled softly. "I knew I'd have cops looking at me like I was the bad guy. Anderson didn't. He said he probably would've done the same thing." Riley cleared her throat softly. "He always asked about Jackson. Every time I'd get a letter or a picture, I'd show it to Anderson right away. He said he missed him, but knew why I did..."

Patricia sighed deeply. "You can't change what happened. And it sounds like everyone is where they belong. You fit in well here, from what I can tell. And your son has a good life with his father."

"His family," Riley quietly added. She twirled her bracelet on her wrist. "He hasn't been my son for a long time now."

Patricia set her pen down and looked directly at Riley. "Have you thought of reaching out to your son?"

Riley nodded. "A few years ago, I called Greg after a bad case. A woman killed her son. I don't know...I thought maybe I could ask Greg to let me hear him play or something." Riley sighed deeply as she looked up. "Jackson answered the phone. He was about five, and he didn't know who I was. I didn't tell him it was me." She took a deep breath. "He was wonderful. He told me his daddy loves him very much. He said his daddy always told him that he was his best gift ever..." she sniffed back a tear. "He was right."

Patricia said nothing, but smiled softly in understanding.

Riley looked down and breathed shakily. "I know he's okay. I know...I know he's growing up to be a wonderful person. That's all I've ever wanted for him." She looked up and sighed. "I wish I could take credit for what a beautiful person he is, but that's all his daddy."

Patricia smiled softly. "You miss him."

"I do," Riley said. She closed her eyes and thought of what Jackson might be doing at that moment. She opened her eyes and looked at the therapist. "I do...but I know he has a wonderful family. He's a big brother now. Greg sent me a DVD of his birthday party a while back, and...and I saw him with her and all his friends. They clearly love each other."

Patricia offered a sympathetic smile. "Sounds like you made the right choice for him."

Riley exhaled and nodded. "I know. And he's amazing. No matter how I feel, he's okay. That's what matters."

Patricia took a deep breath. "I'm not going to judge you, Ms. Adams. But it sounds to me like your son has a good life. And you did the right thing by giving him to his father."

Riley sniffed and nodded. "I miss him," she said just above a whisper.

"And you always will. But life does go on."

"Yeah," Riley whispered. "And...he's got the life he deserves. He's growing up to be a wonderful person." She sniffed and looked at Allwick. "I've got Greg to thank for that."

"Sounds like you really love him," Patricia said.

Riley smiled softly. "I do. Maybe...maybe someday I'll reach out to him. But...he's got a great family. I know he's okay."

"That's what matters," Patricia said.

"Yeah." Riley sighed deeply and wiped a stray tear from her cheek. "Thank you."

Patricia smiled softly. "Like I said, Ms. Adams...I'm not going to judge you. You've been through a lot. Looks to me like you've learned a lot as well."

Riley nodded. "I have. I guess...I guess I'm okay."

"Yes, you are," Patricia said with a soft smile.

Riley smiled. "Anyway...thanks for...I don't know..."

"Letting you get some things off your chest?" Patricia asked. Riley nodded. "It's all right," Alwick added. "I think both you and your son are doing fine."

Riley smiled softly, thinking of Jackson. "Yeah. Yes we are."

Patricia smiled softly. " I'm glad you came in, Miss Adams."

"Riley, please." She had to admit she did feel better after talking to the therapist. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," Patricia said with a warm smile. "And if you need to talk about anything else, my door is open."

Riley couldn't help but smile. "Would it be okay if we talk later?"

"Of course."

Sighing deeply, Riley stood. "Thank you," she said, not knowing whether or not to smile.

Patricia smiled as the headstrong woman left the room. Riley had to admit she felt better, and promised herself she really would return to the doctor to talk about the case or even her son.

As she returned to the locker room, Riley looked at the picture of Jackson she had taped to her locker door. It was from his last birthday party. Jackson's smile could light up the room. Riley missed him, but knew Jackson was happy and Greg and Morgan were his family.

She took out her phone and wrote a quick text to Greg. _Nothing wrong, just thinking of Jackson. Hope he's okay. I'll write soon!_

Riley couldn't help but smile as she pressed send. She really did feel better, and knew Jackson was safe and happy with his dad and family.

For the first time in a long while, she actually felt happy, for herself as much as for Jackson. She knew they'd both be just fine.

 **The End**


End file.
